098 - Marital Dispute With the Wives

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We will resume from where we left off. We discussed the entire story of the mother of Ibrahim, Maria. Today we'll mention an incident involving the wives of the Prophet PBUH, which is the incident of the Prophet PBUH abstaining from his wives for one month — the famous marital dispute that took place.

When Did the Incident Happen?

The issue is we don't know exactly when the dispute occurred. However, Allah SWT revealed Quran because of it, so we do have a general idea. There are a number of opinions. Ibn Sayyid al-Nas (ابن سيد الناس) says in the 9th year of the Hijrah. If so, it's perfect timing with where we are. Other scholars, some say in the 4th, some say in the 5th, and some say in the 6th year of the Hijrah. (Note: Again, this is one of the big problems of the seerah, that we know many incidents, but we don't know precisely when they occurred. The same can be said for most of the ahadith, whenever the Prophet PBUH said something, we don't know when he said it, it's just reported he did.) Some of the evidences that the scholars use to form an opinion when the incident took place are:

i) We know that when this incident took place, the Prophet PBUH was married to all 9 of his wives (Sawda, Aisha, Hafsa, Ummi Salama Hind bint Abi Umayyah, Juwayriyya bint al-Harith, Zaynab bint Jahsh, Ummi Habiba Ramla bint Abi Sufyan, Safiyyah bint Huyayy, and Maymunah bint al-Harith al-Hilaliyah). He had all nine of his wives, which means this incident took place somewhat late.

ii) Yet we have other evidences which seem to suggest this took place before the verses of hijab were revealed. And this is somewhat problematic because if this is true, this means the Prophet PBUH might not have been married to all 9. So there seems to be a little bit of clash.

iii) Yet another evidence is the fact that the verses that Allah revealed pertaining to the incident are now in Surah al-Ahzab — and as we know, the bulk of the Surah was revealed during the 5th year of the Hijrah, so this seems to indicate that this incident took place in the 5th year. But we can easily dismiss this opinion — just because the verses are found in Surah al-Ahzab doesn't mean they were revealed then. Because not every surah is revealed in its entirety; so just because some portion is revealed in the 5th year doesn't mean the entire surah is revealed in the 5th year.

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Cause of the Dispute: the Prophet PBUH Chose to Be an Abdan-Rasula/Nabiyan-Abda

To understand this incident, we need to understand the lifestyle of the Prophet PBUH. And as we know, he never lived a luxurious life. From his birth until his death. He had very humble beginnings, he was orphaned with no father; our Prophet PBUH tells us his first job was a shepherd, and he would work for qararit, meaning literally for pennies. He would live in the cramped house of Abu Talib with the other children. He had a small break with the marriage of Khadija RA; that's when a little bit of wealth came to him, but it wasn't any luxurious living. He didn't even have transport, i.e., a camel, until the Hijrah. But slowly and surely, the wealth began to come in — not to him, but to the ummah. And in the Battle of Badr, with the ransoming of over 70 Qureshi pagans, each one brought in thousands of silver coins. Slowly the tide began to change. The first huge break came at Khaybar, that the entire fields of Khaybar were handed over. And then Fadak was gifted to the Prophet PBUH. That was his main personal income, the plantations of Fadak, which was a sister city to Khaybar. Remember Khaybar happened in the 7th year of the Hijrah — the narrations tell us that the land of Fadak was the main source of income for feeding his family. Remember, this was after the Battle of Khaybar when he was gifted Fadak [see episode 68].

After this, the largest break the early ummah got was the Battle of Hunayn — it was the largest wealth ever accumulated. But how much of that did the Prophet PBUH keep? Not a single penny, even though the shariah allows the leader (the legitimate khalifa) to take a share (⅕ of ⅕). Our Prophet PBUH already had a share from Allah SWT, so he gave it all away. And it is authentically narrated that the Prophet PBUH did this by choice. In the Musnad of Imam Ahmad, it's narrated the Prophet PBUH was sitting with Jibril AS, and an angel comes down from the heavens. Jibril says to the Prophet PBUH, "This angel, Allah has allowed him to come down for the first time since the beginning of creation." The angel said, "Ya Muhammad, assalamu'alayka, your Lord has sent me to ask you a question. Do you want to be a malikan-rasula (ملكًا رسولًا)^[1] or an abdan-rasula (عبدًا رسولًا)?" Meaning a messenger-king or a messenger-slave. Jibril AS made a motion that, "Go low," or in another version he said, "Humble yourself in front of Allah," and so the Prophet PBUH said, "I choose to be an abdan-rasula." The narrator of the hadith says, after this incident, he was never seen even eating with his back resting on a wall. Meaning what? The simplest sign of luxury is sitting back and enjoying your meal, yet, after this incident, the Prophet PBUH lived a life even more humble. Why? Because he chose to be a slave before Allah.

[Transcriber's note: As Sh. YQ correctly narrated, another variant of the same hadith in Musnad Imam Ahmad says the choice was between "malikan-nabiya (ملكًا نبياً - prophet-king)" or "abdan-rasula (عبدًا رسولًا - messenger-slave)." Allah knows best which version is more correct, but taking into consideration how Sh. YQ himself defined "rasul" in episode 11, it wouldn't make sense to assume Allah SWT would revoke the status of the Prophet PBUH as a "rasul" after all the works he PBUH had done. So in our humble opinion, the difference between "nabi" and "rasul" in this context doesn't carry the implication Sh. YQ mentioned at minute 00:09:01.]

[Yet] another variant of this hadith which is slightly weak is the same incident where the Prophet PBUH himself is telling Aisha what happened. He says to her, "O Aisha, if I desired, then all of these mountains would be turned to gold for me. An angel came to me —his buckle/fastener/clasp (for his izar [إزار]) was bigger than the Ka'bah itself— and he asked me, 'Do you want to be a nabiyan-malika (نبياً ملكاً - king-prophet)^[2][3] or a nabiyan-abda (نبياً عبداً - slave-prophet)^[4][5]?' and I chose to be a nabiyan-abda." So this was his lifestyle.

At some point in his life —we don't know when, most likely 8th or 9th year of the Hijrah but Allah SWT knows best— the Prophet's PBUH wives asked him for a higher standard of living. (And they would not have asked for a higher standard of living until they saw other people's standards rising. When everyone is living at a similar level, then there's no need to ask for more. When did the increase in living happen? After Khaybar, after the Conquest, etc. So, slowly but surely, the economic level is rising. [Of course it would rise radically and exponentially in the time of the khulafa. By the time of the Umayyads, the Islamic civilization is ruling the world. It is the most prestigious civilization in the entire world.] So, Allah knows best, but it makes most sense this incident happened later on.)

Now, the details of what the wives asked are not in any book, and it is appropriate that such details are not mentioned. It is an internal matter. Whatever they said to the Prophet PBUH is in the privacy of their homes. What appears to have happened is that there was a cooperative effort, the wives applied group pressure to the Prophet PBUH to demand a better lifestyle. And it was led by two of them, Aisha RA and Hafsa RA. (Note we should never diminish their status; they are our Mothers, and what they asked for was halal.) Why a group effort? Because it's more convincing, and a stronger case is built if all of them are demanding.

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The Incident of the Prophet's PBUH Ila':

The Prophet PBUH Abstained From His Wives for One Month

This incident is reported in a lot of detail by Umar ibn al-Khattab in Sahih Muslim. And of course, Umar is deeply involved because Hafsa (his daughter) and Aisha led the cooperative effort.

Ibn Abbas narrates: "I was always anxious to ask Umar for over a year about the two ladies Allah mentions in the Qur'an (Surah al-Tahrim)." (Note: Look at Ibn Abbas's patience and eagerness, and also his respect for the time of Umar RA.) Ibn Abbas eventually found him alone and asked him the question, to which Umar gives the story of Maria which we've already discussed [see episode 97]. But then, Umar RA goes on, "We were a people from the Quraysh who would dominate over women. Yet when we came to Madinah, we found that the people of Madinah were a group whose women dominated them. When we moved from Makkah to Madinah, our women learned from the women of the Ansar (to dominate men). I had a house situated in al-Awali, one of my wives lived there. One day, I became angry at my wife and I said something. And she responded back. So I rebuked her, but she said to me, 'You are rebuking me for responding back, but don't you know that the wives of the Prophet PBUH respond back to him? So much so that sometimes they abandon him in anger, even for a whole day.'" Subhan'Allah, this shows us so many things: (i) the Prophet's PBUH wives had learned the customs of Madinah; (ii) it also shows us the Prophet PBUH is tolerating this — he is not enforcing the customs of Makkah; and (iii) the women of Madinah knew how the Prophet's PBUH wives treated him.

So Umar RA is shocked. He said, "I went to Hafsa immediately and asked her, 'Do you ever reply back (in an argument) to the Prophet PBUH?' She said, 'Yes.' I asked, 'Do you ever leave him for a day?' She said, 'Yes.'" Note one of the beautiful things of the story is that it shows us the humanity of everyone involved. We see here that just like every couple has its back-and-forths, the wives of the Prophet PBUH responded back to him and in irritation not even speaking to him for half a day or so. (Note if anybody else were to do this to the Prophet PBUH, of course this is a type of kufr; but things are allowed for his wives that are not allowed for others.) So Umar RA rebuked Hafsa and told her, "خاب وخسر (Whoever does this has lost everything). Are you not scared of the anger of Allah upon you if the Messenger is angry with you?" So Umar is acting like every Muslim, other than the wife of the Prophet PBUH, should act — the wives have some laxity. Then he commands her, "Never reply back to the Prophet PBUH, and never ask him for any of your needs. Come to me; don't irritate him for anything. Let not the status of your companion (Aisha) deceive you about your own status..."—meaning don't make qiyas upon Aisha and what she does—"...for indeed, she is more graceful/beautiful, and she is dearer to the Prophet PBUH than you are"—meaning she will get away with things you won't.

This shows us again, it's human nature that the one whom you love will be able to do more than the one you don't. E.g., for a parent, a child can do anything but they'll still be forgiven by the parent. So Umar RA is effectively saying to Hafsa, "You are not Aisha, so you won't get away with what Aisha can get away with." Recall Hafsa had been divorced before [see episode 52], but Allah sent Jibril down to tell the Prophet PBUH to take her back because, "She is sawwama qawwama, and she will be your companion in Jannah."

Umar continues, "I used to have a companion from the Ansar and we would take turns accompanying the Prophet PBUH. One of us would take care of the cultivation and whatnot, and the other would go to the Prophet PBUH for the day"—meaning Umar and all the sahaba had their lives to live as well; they have to toil, work, and struggle to earn a living; but they also want to benefit from the company of the Prophet PBUH; so Umar used to alternate with an Ansari; one day Umar did the chores, his companion went to the Prophet PBUH; the other day Umar went and the Ansari did the chores. Look at how much eagerness they have to be with the Prophet PBUH. Further he said, "During this time, we were discussing the Ghassanids and how they might attack us." (Side note: This is why some scholars say this incident occurred before Tabuk, because after Tabuk, the Ghassanids were not a threat.)

Umar continues, "One day, after Isha, when I went to sleep, my neighbor came knocking on my door." Umar rushes out and said, "What is the matter? Have the Ghassanids attacked?" His neighbor says, "No, something worse has happened! The Prophet PBUH has divorced his wives!" (This is amazing. The Ghassanids attacking is war, yet for the Ansari, the wives being divorced is worse than war — because it's a personal loss for the Prophet PBUH. This shows us the love that the sahaba had for the Prophet PBUH.) Therefore, Umar RA said, as soon as Fajr was prayed, he dressed himself and rushed to the house of the Prophet PBUH. Of course he was not there. Then Umar RA went to Hafsa and found her crying. Umar RA asked her, "Has the Prophet PBUH divorced you all?" Hafsa said, "I don't know. However, he has left us and gone to an anteroom/attic room."

In another version also in Sahih Muslim, Umar says, "I rushed after Fajr and I found all of the people gathered in the masjid, just flipping pebbles..."—meaning they are waiting; they are concerned about what is going on—"...rumors had spread that the Prophet PBUH has divorced all of his wives." So, Umar says, "I went to Aisha." (Note this is the evidence used by some to say this happened before the verses of hijab came down, because he would not have gone to Aisha otherwise. Others say he visited her and she was behind the curtain.) And he asked her, "O daughter of Abu Bakr, have you gone to the extreme of troubling the Prophet PBUH that he's now left all of you?"—he is rebuking her. So Aisha replied with a sharp tongue, "O son of Khattab, go and take care of your own vessel," i.e., Hafsa. So Umar RA realizes Hafsa is also guilty. *Then,* according to this version, he goes to Hafsa and finds her crying.

So Umar is rebuking Hafsa, and says to her, "Didn't I tell you this would happen? Didn't I tell not to answer back to the Prophet PBUH?" He then said harshly, "You know that Allah's Messenger does not love you"—Allah knows if this is true or not, but we assume this is just Umar's RA way of being harsh with his daughter, or maybe he meant the Prophet PBUH doesn't love her as much as he loves Aisha RA. Allah knows best. And Umar continued, "And were it not for the fact that I am your father, he (PBUH) would have divorced you a long time ago." Of course after hearing this, she breaks down crying more. Then he asks her, "Where is the Prophet PBUH?" And she says he is in his anteroom. Now, what is this anteroom? The books of seerah primarily mention this room in this incident; this is when we know it exists. It appears that in the masjid of the Prophet PBUH, there is a small chamber you had to climb a ladder to reach where the Prophet PBUH would sit for privacy. "So," Umar RA says, "I went to that room, and there was one of the servants of the Prophet PBUH standing there (in one version it's said it's Bilal, in another version it's said it's another Abyssinian), so I said to him, 'Ask permission from the Prophet PBUH if I can enter.'" In one version, the servant goes in to ask, and then comes back and says to Umar, "I mentioned that you are outside, but the Prophet PBUH did not respond." So Umar goes to the minbar in the masjid, waits, then goes back and tries again. The second time the servant comes back with the same response, "He (PBUH) didn't say anything." Then the third time he comes and permission is given. Or in another version, he asked permission three times, and then the third time he says it loudly so the Prophet PBUH can hear, "Go ask permission, for I think the Prophet PBUH is thinking I am coming for the sake of Hafsa. But no, wallahi, that isn't the case. For if Allah's Messenger had told me to execute Hafsa, I would obey that command"—meaning he is not taking Hafsa's side. So, according to this version, when he says this, he is given permission to enter the room.

Of course this is the famous incident of the seerah that we've all heard, that Umar RA looks in the small room and says, "I only found in it some barley, a semi-tanned leather bag of water, and a chamber pot, and I began to cry looking at this sparse room. And the Prophet PBUH was reclining on a fiber mat (made out of the branches of the date palm), and when he turned around to see me, I could see the marks of the fiber on his side." And Umar RA asked him PBUH, "Ya Rasulullah, have you divorced your wives?" The Prophet PBUH said, "No, I have not." Umar RA said, "Allahu akbar!"—this is the sunnah of hearing good news.

Here is where also Umar realized he needs to alleviate the tension, so he tried to have a conversation, "Ya Rasulullah, don't you remember the people of Quraysh, how we would dominate over our women? But then we came to Madinah and we found the opposite, and our women have learned from their women. One day, I became angry at my wife, and lo and behold, she replied back to me which I didn't approve, but she told me, 'Who are you to not approve, when even the wives of the Prophet PBUH reply back to him?' So I went to Hafsa and told her, 'Be careful. Don't reply back to the Prophet PBUH.'" And Umar RA even told the Prophet PBUH that he told Hafsa, "Don't be deceived by the status of your companion (Aisha)." So Umar RA told the entire story to the Prophet PBUH. At this, the Prophet PBUH smiled. Umar's alleviating is working. Here we see the gentleness and wisdom of Umar RA. And from this, we learn that when someone is in pain, we should bring some lightheartedness into the mood and situation.

When Umar RA saw the Prophet PBUH smile, this made him encouraged and he continued talking to him PBUH, to which the Prophet PBUH smiled again. At this, Umar asked, "May I sit down and have a conversation?"—he hasn't even sat down yet. The Prophet PBUH gave him permission, and this is when Umar says, "I sat down and lifted my head to see what else is in the room, but by Allah, I couldn't see anything in that room other than some animal hides. I said, 'O Messenger of Allah, why don't you make du'a to Allah that we have wealth as He has given wealth to Persia and Rome, Kisra and the Caesar, even though they don't worship Allah?'" And Umar RA began to cry. So the Prophet PBUH said, "O son of al-Khattab, why are you crying?" Umar RA said, "Ya Rasulullah, why should I not when this mat has left its mark on your side/back, and you are Allah's Messenger. And compare this to Caesar and to Kisra. You are the Mustafa, the Habib, the Chosen One, and you are living like this when they are living like that." When he said this, our Prophet PBUH got up from the mat and said, "O son of al-Khattab, are you in doubt? Are you not content that Allah has chosen us over them for the Next world and given them this world?" Umar RA said, "Ya Rasulullah, ask Allah to forgive me"—meaning it was a mistake to say we should get more money.

Of course, this is a very profound point of the simplicity of the life of the Prophet PBUH — the role model that he left us with. But do realize the Prophet PBUH did not live in this anteroom; this wasn't his house; his house was a notch above this, but still very sparse. He had a blanket and a cot, but not much else in material wealth.

(Tangent: We see here that to judge the success of a person based upon his wealth or to judge how good a person is based upon how much material possessions he has is wrong. True success is the akhira, gained by living a moral and virtuous life. This is the success Islam came to teach us. The Prophet PBUH is asking Umar, "Are you in doubt?" and that very doubt is the problem especially in our ummah today, especially among our youth. They sometimes think, "Why do our countries have low GDP? Why is Japan more advanced in technology? Where are we in all of this?"—and this is a question that has deep theological responses to it, but the simplest answer is right here in this hadith, "Allah has chosen us over them for the Next world, and He has given them this world." No doubt, Islam doesn't tell you to not be scientific or technological, but that is not true success. Success is not judged based upon GDP or technology. And perhaps one of the reasons the disbelievers are blessed in this world is because their good deeds are being returned to them in this world. Meaning every time a disbeliever (i.e. people who disbelieve in the afterlife) does a good deed —and they all do good deeds— they will be rewarded in this world, and these rewards come in extra money, extra prosperity, better life, etc.; but they will get no share in the afterlife. So these are responses to the question "why do disbelievers live materially better lives.")

Back to the story: The Prophet PBUH had taken a halaf (حلف - oath) to Allah that he would not come close to his wives for one month. And Urwah says that Aisha says, "After 29 days, the Prophet PBUH returned to us. So I said to him PBUH, 'O Messenger of Allah, you have taken an oath to stay away from us for one month, but it's only been 29 days.' He PBUH said, 'The month may be 29 days as well.'" Note this shows us if somebody makes a promise to Allah —for example, if he says, "I will not do such-and-such for one month"— the one month could be either 29 or 30. Note as well that Aisha is counting every single day; she is in distress; and when the Prophet PBUH comes back on the 29th day, she is worried the Prophet PBUH might be mistaken and committing a sin of breaking a halaf, so she attempts to correct him and tell him, "This is the 29th day." But the Prophet PBUH said, "A month could be 29 days."

And what happened after these 29 days? One version tells us that after staying away for one month, the first house the Prophet PBUH went to was Aisha's, and he said to her, "O Aisha, I'm going to talk to you about a matter. And don't be hasty in this decision. And go and consult your parents before you come back to me." She said, "What is the matter, ya Rasulullah?" And then the Prophet PBUH recited Surah al-Ahzab verses 28-29:

يَا أَيُّهَا النَّبِيُّ قُل لِّأَزْوَاجِكَ إِن كُنتُنَّ تُرِدْنَ الْحَيَاةَ الدُّنْيَا وَزِينَتَهَا فَتَعَالَيْنَ أُمَتِّعْكُنَّ وَأُسَرِّحْكُنَّ سَرَاحًا جَمِيلًا

33:28. O Prophet! Say to your wives, "If you desire the life of this world and its luxury, then come, I will give you a compensation [for divorce] and let you go graciously.

وَإِن كُنتُنَّ تُرِدْنَ اللَّهَ وَرَسُولَهُ وَالدَّارَ الْآخِرَةَ فَإِنَّ اللَّهَ أَعَدَّ لِلْمُحْسِنَاتِ مِنكُنَّ أَجْرًا عَظِيمًا

33:29. But if you desire Allah and His Messenger and the [everlasting] Home of the Hereafter, then Surely, Allah has prepared a great reward for those of you who do good."

And remember, the Prophet PBUH had access to wealth. That's the key point. He had plenty of access, and his wives wanted some of that wealth. So they aren't asking for things beyond what he had. They were asking for a share that they felt was a fair share. So Allah revealed in Surah al-Ahzab for the Prophet PBUH to say to his wives that, "If you desire the life of this world and its luxury, then come, I will give you a compensation [for divorce] and let you go graciously. But if you desire Allah and His Messenger and the [everlasting] Home of the Hereafter, then Surely, Allah has prepared a great reward for those of you who do good." A beautiful and simple choice. Also notice what the wives were asking for is not a sin, not makruh, nor is it haram. It's allowed. So Allah says, "If you want it, take it, but you won't live with the Prophet PBUH after that." Now, of course the whole point of the entire story today is that our Prophet PBUH wanted to live the lifestyle of a nabiyan-abda to be the ultimate role model. What the wives wanted was halal, and nothing is diminishing in their character if they want to live a better life knowing they have access to the money; but you see, our Prophet PBUH should not have lived that lifestyle, and it's not appropriate for him to do so. So, any of his wives who wanted him must choose a lifestyle of humbleness and servitude. This is what Qur'an came down to say. That if you choose Allah and His Messenger, you'll get your reward in the Next life. So this was the choice put to every one of his wives, beginning with Aisha. The Prophet PBUH said to her, "Don't be hasty, think about it. Go ask your mother and father."

Aisha narrates in the first person (in another hadith) that, "He told me to consult my parents because he knew my parents would never tell me to leave." Meaning she felt the Prophet PBUH maybe assumed she might want to leave. And of course, the Prophet PBUH did not want her to leave. But he might have been worried this young girl wants to leave. At this, Aisha responded, "What is there to consult, ya Rasulullah? I have chosen Allah and His Messenger and the akhira." This shows us, contrary to what the Islamophobes say, Aisha was mature. This also shows us when the choices are clear, you don't have to pray istikhara or ask people. It's crystal clear what needs to be done. It also shows us Aisha's Iman and taqwa. She then says, "O Messenger of Allah, don't tell your other wives that I have chosen you," meaning she wants the others to choose something else. But our Prophet PBUH said, "Allah has sent me as a muballigh (مبلغ - conveyor), not as a muta'annit (متعنت - someone who cuts off from others or is harsh)." Meaning it's not her right to ask this of him. This shows us no doubt the Prophet PBUH loved Aisha more than his other wives, but his extra love never caused him to not be fair with the other Ummahat al-Mu'minin. The Prophet PBUH then recited the verses to his other wives, and obviously, every single one of them chose to stay with him PBUH. None of them even considered leaving the Prophet PBUH. This is exactly what we expect from our Mothers.

Umar RA, in another version, adds a detail that he says to the Prophet PBUH, "O Messenger of Allah, if you have any trouble with any of your wives and you want to divorce them, know that Allah, his angels, Jibril, Mikail (ميكائيل - Michael), and I, and Abu Bakr, and all the believers, are with you." And Umar RA said, "I would always hope that Allah would back me up in things that I say." And it happened that during Umar's life, Allah did reveal verses to back up what he had said. It happened on 3 different occasions, and this is one of them. In Surah al-Tahrim verse 4, Allah says:

إِن تَتُوبَا إِلَى اللَّهِ فَقَدْ صَغَتْ قُلُوبُكُمَا ۖ وَإِن تَظَاهَرَا عَلَيْهِ فَإِنَّ اللَّهَ هُوَ مَوْلَاهُ وَجِبْرِيلُ وَصَالِحُ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ ۖ وَالْمَلَائِكَةُ بَعْدَ ذَٰلِكَ ظَهِيرٌ

66:4. [It will be better] if you [wives] both turn to Allah in repentance, for your hearts have certainly faltered. But if you [continue to] collaborate against him, then [know that] Allah Himself is his Guardian. And Jibril, the righteous believers, and the angels are [all] his supporters as well.

In Bukhari, Ibn Abbas says, "One day, we woke up and rumors spread that all of the wives [of the Prophet PBUH] had been divorced. And they were all crying. And all of their families were with them. So I went to the masjid. And it was full of people. And Umar came when the Prophet PBUH was in his private room. He asked permission to enter three times (same as Umar narrated) and then he entered, and asked the Prophet PBUH if he had divorced his wives. The Prophet PBUH said, 'No, but I have done ila' for one month from them.' So he remained for 29 days away from his wives, and then he entered upon them after this."

So this is the famous story, and it is called the Story of the Prophet's PBUH Ila'. What is al-ila' (الإيلاء)? It's to make a halaf (حلف - oath) to Allah SWT that you will not come close to your wife for a period of time. This is permissible if the period of time is less than 4 months. And it is used when marital disputes are going out of hand, and the husband wants some time to be away, think, and cool down. This is what al-ila' is. And our Prophet PBUH did it for one month (which can be 29 or 30 days).

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Points of Benefit From the Story of the Prophet's PBUH Ila'

We can derive many benefits from the story. Of these benefits:

1. Social customs and gender roles vary from society to society, and Islam does not dictate a particular, specific gender role as long as the overall guidelines of the shariah are met. This is very clear: How women interacted with men in Makkah was very different than how women interacted with men in Madinah, and Islam did not come to say the Makkan custom is right or the Madinan custom is right. Rather, Islam allowed them both. And this is something we see in every culture in Islamic society to this day; the women of one land might be more bold, in another land might be more timid, etc. The shariah does not have a particular stance. As long as the laws of the shariah are met, there's no harm in us adopting our own culture. This is especially relevant to us in the Western world. Our gender interactions and roles are very different than the bulk of the Muslim world. And we have extremes on both sides (some of us are dismissive of the roles in the Muslim world, whereas others are dismissive of the roles in the Western world). But the shariah allows for a spectrum. And what's within that spectrum is halal, and what's beyond that spectrum is haram (and what is "beyond the spectrum" is beyond the scope of this seerah class).

2. The humanity of the Prophet's PBUH wives, and the Prophet PBUH himself. If Allah had willed, our Prophet PBUH could have had a fairy tale marriage. Also, if Allah had willed, we would not have heard of any of these things. But these incidents bring to home that even our Prophet PBUH was having marital disputes. The wife might say something, the husband might say something — this is life. Question: Why would Allah SWT give this to our Prophet PBUH, and not give him a fairy tale marriage? The response is, so that we can learn. How else would we learn how to cope with our own marital issues? Our Prophet PBUH is our role model. And he was the best human. Thus his problems were resolved in the best of manners, and we learn from this how he resolved his problems.

Again, so much can be said here, but of the most important things is that, in jahili society, women were mistreated and abused; it was an accepted norm for one to physically discipline their wives; yet our Prophet PBUH never once lifted his finger against a woman in a society where it was the norm. As Aisha RA herself said, "Wallahi, never was the hand of the Prophet PBUH lifted up against any woman or servant." This demonstrates the perfect role model in the treatment of women. (Note: However, disciplinary action is sometimes required by one or both of the parties. What is that disciplinary action? First ask, talk, and demand what you want. After that, if that does not work, leave for a while, don't be with the person, and let things calm down. As Allah says in the Qur'an, "Leave/abandon them in their beds/houses" [see Quran, 4:34]. Notice if the man tells his wife to leave, this is un-Islamic and wrong. The man must leave, not the woman. This again shows us the mannerisms of Islam, you never kick a woman out of her own house.)

3. The news of the marital problem of the Prophet PBUH spread to the entire city. Not just this, Allah revealed it in the Qur'an. This shows us that, to have a marital problem is not in and of itself so embarrassing that it's taboo and no one can talk about it. We have extremes in our society where it becomes complete taboo to mention marital problems. And that's an issue, because by discussing it with other people, solutions can be found. As usual, Islam is in the middle. You don't go and tell every minor little thing to everyone, but on the flip side, nor should you think it is taboo to tell major problems. In the incident of the Prophet's PBUH ila', the whole city of Madinah knows, and they are in the masjid crying because they love the Prophet PBUH and they're hurt at his hurt. But the Prophet PBUH is not embarrassed that they know he is having a marital issue. A good marriage is not one without problems; it's one where problems are trivial and resolved swiftly. So there's no doubt our Prophet PBUH had the best marriage. How often did the incident of ila' happen in his lifetime PBUH? Only once. And subhan'Allah, one of the best ways to solve a marital issue is to just separate for a while and let both parties cool off. It gives both parties the time to realize that, "You know what, I was a little bit too harsh," etc. (As for our Prophet PBUH, of course he didn't do anything wrong; he just gave his wives the opportunity to think and calm down.)

4. The in-laws can and should get involved. Umar RA comes and talks to Hafsa, "Don't do this, do that. If you need anything, come to me," etc. It's positive for the in-laws to get involved if they do so wisely (and it's negative if they do so unwisely).

5. Fiqhi benefit: The husband has the right to give his wife the option of divorce. In fiqh, this is called "ikhtiyar (إختيار - choice)." This is what the Prophet PBUH did. So a husband can tell the wife, "Look, you have a day, think about it. If you want a divorce, you may divorce." So he gives her the power of divorce. Usually the man has the power, but it's halal, and it's in some occasions wise, to give that power to the woman. In this case, the Prophet PBUH did not want divorce, so he tells his wives, "If you want it, it is your choice." Most of the fuqaha allow it, and say a time period should be given. Others say it can be unlimited in time (in accordance to the Hanafi madhhab). The reason the other madhhabs say there should be a time clause is so that Allah's statement (i.e., "Men have a degree above them [women]" [Quran, 2:228]) still applies. Allah knows best which fiqhi position is right; nonetheless, you can give your wife a choice of divorce for a time period. If she chooses it (e.g. by saying, "I choose myself"), the talaq (one talaq) takes place at *her* saying it. This is never the case except in ikhtiyar.

6. The main point of the entire Incident of the Prophet's PBUH Ila' is the simplicity of his lifestyle PBUH. Truly it's a sign of his prophethood. Why else would he choose to live in a very simple manner, and cause the people whom he loves to also live in that manner? It's one thing to sacrifice for yourself, but to sacrifice for your loved ones, that is setting a standard for society. Allah SWT gave the Prophet PBUH the choice whether to lead a simple lifestyle or become a king, and the Prophet PBUH chose to lead a very simple lifestyle; and all of his wives were also given the option whether to stay with him PBUH and live simply, or to leave him and get the wealth of this world, and none of them chose money over him PBUH and the akhira. And of course, this shows us the status of the Mothers of the Believers and their Iman.

[Transcribed by Br. Safwan Khan & Faizan]

safwan-khan@hotmail.com
[Revised by Br. Syed Haq & MAR, March 2022]